11 The Whimsey run

Our rural bus service is in serious decline so go on, catch a country bus while you still can. Your driver might be Jack, who works for the local bus company (slogan: ‘Better late than never’). If so, make sure you have a supply of travel sickness pills to hand. The Whimsey run is viewed by the bus drivers as a punishment for poor time-keeping. If they want to get their regular routes back, they’ll have to follow the bus drivers’ handbook to the letter. This requires them to accelerate as fast as possible from every bus-stop, then brake equally hard at the next one - thus making the journey as uncomfortable as possible for their passengers. With a glance in the mirror and a well-timed tap-dancing routine on the gas pedal and the brake, Jack can transfer an old biddy and her tartan shopping trolley from one end of the bus to the other in less time than it takes to say “Hold tight at the back”. It’s moments like these that make a bus driver’s life worthwhile.

As soon as Jack ventures off the main road, time loses all meaning. Forget whatever you’ve read in the timetable, especially about the length of time your journey might take. Don’t be lulled into any false sense of security by the idea that the bus is only going a few miles. The country lanes around Whimsey are bereft of signs; even locals get lost. Jack has such a poor sense of direction that he has to to stop periodically and ask the passengers which way to go. On one occasion, when he ran out of petrol, Jack had a whip-round to fill the tank up.

You’ll need provisions. Imagine you’re embarking on an African safari, and pack accordingly. At the very least, you should take some refreshments for the outward leg of your journey. Wear a scarf or cravat over your face; it will help to keep out the dust and the flies and the overpowering smell of lavender water. By the time the bus rolls into Whimsey once again, having covered half of East Yorkshire, most of the passengers will be delirious. No wonder the rural routes have been re-classified as white-knuckle rides. You have been warned.